tired of being unwelcome in a home i've never really fit into in the first place,
tired of looking into your eyes and seeing nothing but a rough glint where the happiness used to be.
tired of trying to convince you that i matter too.
i am eternally greatful that my little brother shows me his love. he is amazing, and i appreciate him so much more now that i have ever told him. he is a great person, and i love him very much.
Tuesday
too tired to sleep
cold eggs no bed
i can/not get
away from everything
(not even when i sleep)
and
i am so v e r y TIRED
( allofthetimenow)
but too pressed for the sleeping action
of it all.
i miss dan every day, even when i get to see him. for the first time, i'm actually willing to wait instead of rushing. i love his voice, his touch, everything. i never feel so amazing as when i'm with him. we can be together without having to be together. i only wish i could be closer without being a problem.
(love him to the skin)
i hope this job thing works itself out. my stomach is tying itself in tired knots. i thought it was hungry, but it's just tired. it's hard to sleep on constant wave of couch after couch with no way of escaping the cycle, nothing to look forward to. sometimes i fall asleep in bed with dan and lose myself completely in ecstacy, drunk on the closeness of the thing, and of sleeping in a actual bed (shitty bed or no, it's better than the couches i've been sleeping on.)
i keep swishing i had an apartment, keep thinking about sneaking back to my mom's house and sleeping in all the beds in the house, even though i know i'm specifically forbidden to do so. who would say a thing like that to their own kid? it amazes me every time.
my eyes are so dry, they're soing that glassy blinking thing. i want to be free from all this chaos. i can't sleep ever, because people always hold you hostage, whether they intend to or not. i have a delicate sleep cycle. i miss being alone, with the option of company. i wish that we could do that. the two of us get along swimmingly enough. i'd want my own room as it all stands now, but he is worried about what his parents think. i don't want to rush him into anything, i just wish i could live with someone who doesn't drive me up the wall every time something doesn't go their way, or someone who isn't obsessed with cats and doesn't smoke. my lungs are dry as asbestos.
i'm so tired of being tired.
i can/not get
away from everything
(not even when i sleep)
and
i am so v e r y TIRED
( allofthetimenow)
but too pressed for the sleeping action
of it all.
i miss dan every day, even when i get to see him. for the first time, i'm actually willing to wait instead of rushing. i love his voice, his touch, everything. i never feel so amazing as when i'm with him. we can be together without having to be together. i only wish i could be closer without being a problem.
(love him to the skin)
i hope this job thing works itself out. my stomach is tying itself in tired knots. i thought it was hungry, but it's just tired. it's hard to sleep on constant wave of couch after couch with no way of escaping the cycle, nothing to look forward to. sometimes i fall asleep in bed with dan and lose myself completely in ecstacy, drunk on the closeness of the thing, and of sleeping in a actual bed (shitty bed or no, it's better than the couches i've been sleeping on.)
i keep swishing i had an apartment, keep thinking about sneaking back to my mom's house and sleeping in all the beds in the house, even though i know i'm specifically forbidden to do so. who would say a thing like that to their own kid? it amazes me every time.
my eyes are so dry, they're soing that glassy blinking thing. i want to be free from all this chaos. i can't sleep ever, because people always hold you hostage, whether they intend to or not. i have a delicate sleep cycle. i miss being alone, with the option of company. i wish that we could do that. the two of us get along swimmingly enough. i'd want my own room as it all stands now, but he is worried about what his parents think. i don't want to rush him into anything, i just wish i could live with someone who doesn't drive me up the wall every time something doesn't go their way, or someone who isn't obsessed with cats and doesn't smoke. my lungs are dry as asbestos.
i'm so tired of being tired.
Friday
you who are always falling asleep,
never awake (never there)
when i need you.
it is always worse
to cry in secret,
letting people assume
that everything is perfectly normal.
and nothig is the way it should be,
everytime someone can dare to make a wish
it is uprooted
and broken before them
like a dead little bonsai.
we are the dead trees
and there is nothing ahead of us
but 6 more weeks of winter.
never awake (never there)
when i need you.
it is always worse
to cry in secret,
letting people assume
that everything is perfectly normal.
and nothig is the way it should be,
everytime someone can dare to make a wish
it is uprooted
and broken before them
like a dead little bonsai.
we are the dead trees
and there is nothing ahead of us
but 6 more weeks of winter.
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